Okay, so today’s date is November 18th, 2021. My thru hike attempt was March of 2019. That is over two years since I have been back “home”. In that time I have found myself and lost myself countless times, I have seen some of my greatest friendships come and go, been to my lowest, loneliest places as well as my highest and happiest. I have made so many plane flights to far away tropical beaches and added more miles to my vehicle than anyone thought was possible. I left the country for the first time and now I find myself sitting outside of Indianapolis, Indiana on an Army base with no real “home” other then a hotel room, talking to people that have changed my life in a shorter time than anyone I know, and to make sure all of this is even more surreal it all has an expiration date on it… but wait a minute doesn’t all of life have an expiration date? isn’t everything in life only a temporary ebb and flow? Maybe rationalizing this is the key to something more in life.

It is said that a thru-hike is 90% a mental game and only 10% physical preparation and gear. Admittedly this is exactly the reason why my hike failed. As many know I came off the trail shortly after starting, and the reasons I told people may not have been the most true. The truth is I thought I wanted something that I didn’t. Prior to starting the hike I found myself living with and dating a girl who was not a horrible person but was highly toxic for me. We met through work and things progressed quicker than they were suppose to. We both knew my hike was fast approaching and thought that ourselves and the relationship were strong enough to make it through several months apart. Fast forward to a week before I was suppose to leave for the hike and we found out she was pregnant. We talked very deeply and decided that I would continue and take this hike and enjoy this bit of time before life changed. So I went to Georgia…..Maybe this makes me an asshole I don’t know, the jury is still out on that, but it was not an easy decision. Without sharing too much information out of respect for her, the pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, and I was told that she did not want me coming back because I had left and wasn’t there for her. Hindsight being 20/20 this may just be a fair assessment but there is a price to pay for every decision we make in life.

I was at a loss when I was told this and came off the trail. Why at that time I didn’t just say “fuck it” and get back on the trail I will never know, maybe I was just scared of who I would become if I actually succeed and what changes this would bring to my life. However, I guess If I had; so many memories would have never been made. Instead I took a multi-week road trip to see a few state high points and have some much needed “glass time” behind the windshield to attempt to clear my head. Once I was back at my family’s in Georgia I admitted defeat and headed back to Ohio and the existence I was comfortable with on the ambulance as a medic. This idea of what is comfortable will definitely come back up later don’t worry! The real question is: Do we ever grow where we are comfortable? Or do we attempt to hold onto what we are comfortable until it crumbles in our hands?

When I first came off the trail I was told by multiple people that I would regret the decision of abandoning the hike and in typical Sagittarius stubbornness, I didn’t listen to them. However, they couldn’t have been more right. It is entirely too cliche’ to say, but I will anyway, this “failure” has led me down a road to finding a small glimpse of the flame that burned in my soul prior to this hike. After my road trip, I found myself traveling back home to Ohio in a deep depression, at the time I thought it was the lowest I could be, questions like, “how could I fail at this hike and loose the very relationship I came off the trail for in the same month?” or “am I failing myself by going back to ohio?” swirled through my head. I found myself more manic then normal and like any good paramedic given the reason to, I drank and slept around entirely too much,in an attempt to try and coop with my feelings. I found myself meeting close friends for drinks more and more often after superficial “tinder dates” and found myself driving home with one eye open while still seeing double more and more. Not much good came of this admittedly. I once found myself waking up in a hospital bed, (sorry mom you don’t know this story…..yet) with my best friend laying next to me on the bed petting my head. She was telling me how worried she was for me. Apparently, I either drank enough to pass out at the bar or was roofied, and had an ambulance called on me. I was so “unresponsive” that the medic believed I needed intranasal narcan (understandably) during the transport… Yes…impressive I know! Now there were no opioids in my system but my Blood Alcohol Concentration was impressively high, even still the next morning. I remember driving home the next afternoon after waking up from a multi hour nap, thinking all I wanted was a McGriddle to soak up the alcohol that was still slushing around in my stomach. (The real unsung heros in this story were my friend’s sister and her boyfriend, who didn’t even know me but picked me up from the hospital and then let me sleep at their house for several hours.) The one good thing that did come of this time spent in bars with friends was a crazy plan to travel as many places as possible in 2019 all written out on a bar napkin in pen and spilled alcohol , which even with a pandemic going on carried on well into 2020 and even to this day.

I found myself jetting off to tropical destinations and tourist destinations, both with my closest friends and solo. I woke up on many tropical beaches, under a beautiful sunrise eaten alive by mosquitos, or in an Air B&B not knowing what happened the night prior. We made lists of places we wanted to see, met complete strangers who changed our lives or became amazing friends, and picked the brain of taxi drivers for the best food and drink destinations in town. We experienced our lives in the most profound way and grew closer and closer with every story we could share. In these moments we never would have guessed that the time of the friendships would ultimately come to an end with only a select few lasting to today. Today, I find myself on the cusp of my next great adventure I am shedding both things and people in my life. Finally I am attempting to find a way to come to terms with one amazing chapter of my life coming to an end, and another just beginning. Ultimately, it took me escaping from my comfort zone to realize I am actually capable of accomplishing things in my head. Damn crazy idea I know!!

Travel has a crazy way to isolate you just enough from your comfort zone that you can grow while still connecting you with a community of people that are nothing but kind hearted, warm, and also enjoy laughing at their own farts in hotel rooms by themselves. I often found myself telling my mother, as she worried about me traveling to a new city (as if I was going to find myself in the middle of the Syrian Civil War or somewhere just as dangerous) that I have found some of the most amazing people randomly at a dive bar or restaurant or just talking to a stranger in a new town. People tend to attract others who feel similar to them and travelers tend to find each other no matter where we find ourselves.

“Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts, it even breaks your heart. But that’s okay. The journey changes you; it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart, and on your body. You take something with you. Hopefully, you leave something good behind.”

The late Anthony Bourdain

This quote couldn’t be more true and that’s why I love it. Through travel and connecting with other humans who see the world similar to me I found myself slowly climbing back from the dark abyss I found myself in. Now this by no means has been a linear upwards climb, believe you and me I have been in even deeper, darker places then the first few months after the hike, (and we will definitely touch on them) but after the last two years I am definitely better than I was all those months ago.

So for the next few weeks I’m going to share these travel stories and the transformation I have made from a “failed thru-hiker” to where I am now and the possibility of another future thru hike attempt. We will also dive into the terrifying thoughts of a male’s mental health which is definitely not talked about nearly enough! Who’r ready for this ride?